In an ideal world, we would flawlessly find who we end up with without trial and error, but unfortunately, it’s more difficult than that. Two-timing is something many of us wish never existed, but does. Now, I’m not talking about two-timing in the sense of cheating on someone you are actually dating, but for lack of a better word, talking to two (or more) people at once that you want to potentially hook up with or you are hooking up with (as in both of them at the same time). Two-timing has become extremely prominent in a majority of people’s lives at some point, whether they realize it or not. Recently, I started thinking about the act of doing it, questioning why we do it, and evaluating if it’s okay to be upset if/when it happens to you.
So two-timing.
I feel as though at some point or another, one always asks themselves: “Is there someone else?” “Is she/he still in the picture?”… You get the point. So why do we two-time? After talking to several people, there are a few reasons that I have come up with. Two things in specific: a safety net and boredom. I asked one of my guy friends why anyone would feel inclined to talk to two different girls at once. Isn’t it easier to just put time into one person? He said, and I quote, “It would be because I’m not sure [if one (or both)] are gonna stick around and [then] use the other as a safety backup.” And then it hit me. The Safety Net. In an ideal situation, you would always end up with the person you are texting/talking to. Unfortunately, I would say 8.5 times out of ten, it doesn’t work out for a number of reasons: commitment issues, not wanting to date, getting bored of the person, not actually being compatible, and, in our case, another person. However, being unsure of the actuality, makes us invest our time in more than one person. This is done in order to avoid failure and never risk an absence of attention. The only issue: you don’t know if you’re the one they’re leaping for or if you’re the safety net (ha, see what I did there).
The other issue, plain and simple, is boredom.
Maybe they have no interest in you but know that you have interest in them – you give them someone to talk to and get attention from (messed up but true). What’s worse? You’ll never know until they slowly stop replying to you until finally, you’re ghosted. So, if you feel that happening, probably better to either A) stop trying as hard or B) drop them before they drop you. Also, skewed logic is not on their side. Although strategically picking female suitors they believe will never come into contact seems like it would work (aka different friend groups), it often fails… But, to my realization, girls two-time just as much as boys do.
As much as I hate to admit this, we are all one and the same. I asked my friends if they ever found themselves two-timing AND THEY ALL SAID YES. So, everything I said above applies to EVERYONE. We get it, everyone two-times – but is it okay to be upset about it?
The truth is…
Your feelings are valid. Whether you take it personally and have a mental break down or say “screw them” and move on is up to you, but before you freak out… think about a few things:
- First, you are totally allowed to do it too. Technically speaking (or hopefully) whoever you are just talking to has not verbally committed to you (and only you) yet so they can talk to whoever they want until that point – but so can you. It can be a two-way street and quite honestly I think that’s the better way to go. That way, you don’t feel bad about yourself and feel as though you’re being walked all over. Rather, you’re on a level playing field (giving you control over your situation).
- Secondly, they are trying to make sure they pick the right one. You may feel like, in the end, they’re going to have to pick one (that is if they decide they’re ready to commit). Talking to you is like a trial run (no pressure!). If they feel like you wouldn’t really “vibe”, it’s better to find out prior to nose-diving into a monogamous relationship -way more complicated for both people; especially considering no matter how big the school is, your social circle stays smaller than you think.
- Thirdly, THEY ARE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. That is, they are extremely scared of commitment and you shouldn’t want to be with them in the first place. I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear but why would you want to spend your time on an emotionally unavailable person. They will never give you the time of day you deserve and are too immature to really know what they want; In short, they don’t deserve you.
- Lastly, it’s a matter of perspective. When you think about it, talking is the current day equivalent of “dating” and “dating” is now when you finally settle on one person that you want to be with. Basically you aren’t safe until you have the title of “____friend” which unfortunately a majority of people are deathly afraid of (but that’s another issue). What I’m saying is, when you’re still in the talking stages with someone who is halfway genuine, the two of you are still trying to get to know each other which means it may not work out. Theoretically, both of you should be allowed to talk to other people, just like in the olden days when they went on dates with several different people until they finally found one they really liked – except chivalry has transformed into texting (sad but true). However, there is a point that it crosses the line.
Consistently talking to two girls and hooking up with them? Pretty messed up. Consistently talking to two girls and hooking up with them after you already said the other one wasn’t in the picture? Absolutely not okay (have some morals people). And, when you find out, just remember that what goes around comes around.
All in All
Whether you’re bored and want attention, desire a consistent hookup, or you’re ready for a significant other, two-timing comes into play way more than we think it does. During quarantine, keep this in mind (whether you’re the one doing it or not) and remember that more likely than not, you’ve been on both sides – before you get upset about it.
